


Letters to Steve

by KiyannaWhite



Category: Avengers, Captain America, Marvel
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-16
Updated: 2014-12-16
Packaged: 2018-03-01 17:27:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2781611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KiyannaWhite/pseuds/KiyannaWhite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the war and the death of her dear friend, Steve Rogers, Peggy Carter writes him letters to help herself reconcile with the changes in her life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Letters to Steve

4 May 1945

Dear Steve,

I prayed today. I prayed today for the first time in four years. If God is still listening, and admittedly I have my doubts that he still is, I thought perhaps He could give me a sign. Perhaps the radio shorted. Perhaps you can still be found. 

For one man in an entirely unknown location, it was impossible to send rescue. Still, I’ve seen you outswim a submarine and I’ve seen you rescue an entire regiment. Please, Steve, just this once, rescue yourself. 

8 May 1945

Dear Steve,

You should have been here today. It doesn’t feel right that the war should have ended without you. The funny thing is, when it all started it never occurred to me that we might meet. It seemed improbable that I’d leave Europe. I was starting to have my doubts I wouldn’t speak German by the end. And now that you’re not here, it just seems wrong. 

When you make it to shore, we’ll celebrate again. You deserve to be here. 

7 June 1945

Dear Steve,

I went back to work today. I didn’t know anybody in the new office. It feels strange to be out of uniform again, and this time permanently. 

The others seem to get along with each other better than with me. It’s just as well, really. I haven’t felt like meeting anyone new since everything came to an end. Either you know someone or you don’t and at this point nobody seems to understand. At least not my new coworkers. 

I hate pretending like nothing happened. We don’t talk about it anymore. Everything’s changed now that we’re back at home and back to business as usual. The memory of hell won’t go away, but it’s so incompatible with day to day life. If you were here. I have a feeling you would understand. 

4 July 1945

Dear Steve,

Happy birthday, tosser. You missed your own damned birthday. I suppose you figure you can be late for everything now, don’t you? Well, fine. Go ahead. You never did listen to my good advice. 

30 August 1945

Dear Steve,

I feel like I’m back where it all began. A little older and a little more worn. But all in all the same. We’re officially at peace.

What if we had fought a little bit harder? What if we had reached Germany just a little bit sooner? Could you have made it out with the rest of us? Could we have resisted the Hydra base if there had been more important work to be done?

I don’t think we’ll ever know, Steve, but it doesn’t make sense. Of all the ways the day could have happened, only one path led to you in the Arctic. I could have been faster. We could have sent a plane to escort the Valerie. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of these things at the time. It seems so obvious now. 

I’m sorry, Steve, for the role I played. It wasn’t fair to you. 

17 September 1945

Dear Steve,

We’re in an odd predicament, aren’t we? Sometimes I talk to you idly or look to you when I think of you. I keep finding myself glancing up. I have to remind myself that I’m looking the wrong way. Because is there a place for us with God? After what we’ve done and after what we’ve seen, I can’t reconcile it. 

You’re the best man I’ve ever known, Steve. And everything you did, you did for the best of reasons. For loyalty, for your country, for your friends. You fought bravely and with honour. I want so much for you to be at rest and at peace. It’s the least you could be given in return. 

But I know there’s no place for us there. We did what we had to do, and we have to pay the price. I suppose the price of freedom was higher than we originally calculated. It was a price you shouldn’t have had to pay. 

26 December 1945

Dear Steve,

I’ve heard so many times that the fighting should be over by Christmas. It had to be true some time. I suppose this was the year the propagandists were finally prophets.

I celebrated a long way from home with Howard and a few of his friends whom I didn’t really know. I forget just how large America is until times like these when I want to see everyone at the same time and they’re all hundreds of miles away.

Howard sends you his best. Or, I’m sure he would have if he knew I was still writing. He’s a fool but he hasn’t given up on you. He said as much a few times during the evening. 

You should have been there; you would have loved it. For the first time in years there were new decorations on the walls and on the trees. There were brightly coloured candies and food like I hadn’t seen in a very long time. And finally there were things we could buy and give. The home made and heartfelt gifts have a place, but it’s such a relief to give and receive something that’s finally new and in a package. 

I wonder what you would have liked. Perhaps art supplies? Would you be an artist if we were back to regular life now?

5 February 1946

Dear Steve,

I was transferred again today to another section of SSR. I’m still mostly pushing paperwork but I’ve been told Agent Flynn gets sent a lot of missions. Maybe I’ll finally get some real work to do. 

This isn’t where I wanted to be. This isn’t where I thought my career was going to take me. I’m bored, Steve. And I’m so alone.

What would you say if you could see me now?

4 May 1946

Dear Steve,

It’s been a year and life’s moved on. I wish you had a proper grave I could visit. It’s not the same knowing you’re not really buried here, but I suppose it’ll have to do. 

I actually forgot what day it was, but for the first time I could have sworn you were beside me. I was just so angry, and you know how I get when I’m angry. But, no, in case you’re wondering, nobody was shot and nobody was hit. No, instead I took a page from your book and I quietly disobeyed protocol.

I took a mission I shouldn’t have taken, and I completed it against all odds. A couple of times I felt like I was going to die, but I knew, somehow, that I was going to make it through.

It was only when I was safely again out of the Zodiac’s lair that I really put it all together. You guided me through there, Steve, and at the very last hour I remembered to bring you flowers. 

10 May 1946

Dear Steve,

Howard and I have finally found a way to remember you and to make sure your legacy lives on. As of last week, I have been again reassigned as director of the Supreme Headquarters, International Espionage, Law-Enforcement Division. We thought you’d like that if you were still here. 

It’s been a year, Steve, and I’ve been thinking about us. I don’t feel quite so heartbroken now when I think about you. I can’t say if I’ll ever get past you and be entirely finished with what we shared. But I know that I can move on. I know that I can be happy without you, and I don’t have to be lonely without you. 

As of a few days ago, I knew that you were still here watching over me. But, Steve, we finished your business. You’re free. It’s time for you to enjoy yourself a little.


End file.
